Real BDSM Information for the Uninitiated
We believe access to correct information is vital for those in India who have just discovered their kinky side. In this light, we kick-started a series of interviews with Asmi Uniqus to walk you through the philosophy behind BDSM. We hope you will learn everything you need about India's BDSM scene. Whether you seek a 24/7 Total Power Exchange relationship or want to add a little kink in the bedroom, we hope this guide to BDSM helps you discover what you need to know to feel comfortable and safe while exploring.
What does BDSM stand for?
What is BDSM, really? It seems most kink sex play falls under this acronym, making it a too-broad catch-all term. BDSM is actually three conjugate pairs that mean Bd (Bondage, Discipline), Ds (Dominance, Submission), and Sm (Sadism, Masochism). So our beloved acronym does cover a lot of activities, both physical and mental. For instance, techniques like rope play, restraints, and sensory deprivation like gags or blindfolds all fall under the gamut of Bondage. And that's just Bondage.
Jargon and nuances in BDSM are vast and can confuse someone new to them. The Dominance–submission conjugate usually includes activities around power play, control, obedience, sexual submission, domestic servitude, and, in the extreme, edge consensual non-consent. Similarly, rules, structures, rewards, punishments, teasing, and denial will fall under Discipline.
Let's say that BDSM is more like an umbrella term for most activities that revolve around power dynamics, pain, control, and structure in interpersonal dynamics. Some people practice it only to spice their sex lives up, as a kink or fetish, while others also live it as a full-on lifestyle choice.
I am curious. I want to try BDSM. Where do I begin?
I suggest beginning by reading non-fiction. Reading non-fiction will help you understand the basics and make you more aware of your desires and those of your partner. Erotica or porn will not give you insight into the mindset or the preparation that goes into the BDSM ‘play’ of veteran practitioners. Some good resources with an India–specific flavour include:
- BDSM Concepts: A Practical Guide by Asmi Uniqus available at Amazon.com
- Submission: A Practical Guide by Asmi Uniqus available at Amazon.com
Some well known books include:
The next step is to explore, find compatible partner/s to experiment with and embrace those aspects that resonate for you. All you have to do after that is grow in your journey.
How can I find a BDSM partner in India?
How to find a kinky partner who is into BDSM is one of the most common questions I receive from my Indian readers and audiences where I'm a speaker. While there's no black-and-white answer, and what works for me may never work for others; I understand why this question is so urgent, especially in a country like India where the BDSM community is less visible. The answer is, honestly, everywhere. While the easiest way to find other Indian kinksters might be online, I have also met BDSM partners offline. There are community organizations to be found in larger cities. There are so many ways to find access to India's BDSM community! This article covers what I did to find a kinky partner in India.
Why 50 Shades is a bad representation of BDSM?
Based on my reading of the novels and discussions with many other seasoned practitioners, we all feel it misrepresents authentic BDSM practice. These stories portray the central characters in a negative light, especially the male Dominant. In real life, seasoned Dominants are usually older, responsible and mature. More than age, it’s the emotional maturity that they display. I will not idolize real-life BDSM, but the fact is that no one in real life goes around stalking their subs or fitting their cars with a GPS. Of course, Dominants protect their Submissives from stalkers and abusers, but they don’t use it to compensate for their control-freak behaviour.
Honest, real-life BDSM is not about the riches of a Dominant or Doms buying the submissive’s consent. Most real-life Dominants do not practice BDSM because of issues in their teenage and adolescence but because BDSM fulfils them in its own right. BDSM, as commonly practised, is not misogynistic, abusive, manipulative, or only sexual. It is far more about nurturing your submissive. It’s about responsibility, and veteran kinksters firmly uphold the tenets of Safe, Sane, Consensual and Risk Aware Consensual Kink (SSC & RACK). 50 Shades depicts none of this.
What is a typical dom/sub or slave/master relationship like?
A dom/sub relationship is very different from a master/slave dynamic. Honestly, there are no typical relationships. Here are some key concepts, as explained in BDSM Concepts: A Practical Guide by Asmi:
There are many types of interactions in the Dominant–submissive spectrum. Top–Bottom is one interaction, along with the Dominant who needs a submissive counterpart; the switch gets the best of both worlds and Daddy/Mommy, who takes care of a baby girl/boy.
TPE (Total Power Exchange) relationships like Mistress/Master-slave or the Owner-property/pet dynamics are high-intensity relationships. One must not conflate the intensity and depth of the relationship with its meaningfulness. A transient dynamic can be as exhilarating and fulfilling for someone as the most intense total consensual slavery.
The dominant-submissive relationship is more intense and encompassing than the Top-bottom dynamic. It is also more inclusive of the non-sexual, mental and emotional spaces of the people involved. Typically, while a Top and a Bottom are interested only in sessions, a Dominant and their sub may actually discuss finances, children, and professions. Dominants may often instruct a submissive on behaviour modification outside their relationship. In cases like this, the dynamics would border upon mentorship.
Isn’t BDSM just abuse? A lot of it seems like abuse.
No. In BDSM, the three basic tenets are safe, sane and consensual (SSC), none of which are part of an abusive relationship. The main difference between BDSM and abuse is the sub's ability to stop a BDSM session on command.
In BDSM, the submissive or the masochist can stop play when they want. In abusive relationships, however, the sub does not control what the Dom does to them. In BDSM, a session is followed by aftercare; abuse is all about real, malevolent physical and psychological torment. In BDSM, the intent is to derive pleasure, while abuse is about harm and negative control.
But people who enjoy BDSM have at least had some history of abuse right?
Not true. People are not dominant, submissive, bondage enthusiasts or disciplinarians because they necessarily have a history of abuse. So no, a history of abuse is not what defines lifestylers. Many people do it for fun and to heighten their sexual pleasure, just like a simple kink or fetish such as tickling or pinning someone’s hands over their head would do. Many people enjoy pain because it releases endorphins (a sub-high), just like a heavy workout. Similarly, people practice rope bondage because of its aesthetics. You may want to explore and read more about the Japanese art of bondage called the Shibari.
I enjoy the pain aspect of BDSM. Does this mean something is wrong with me?
No, it just means you enjoy a particular sensation better than others. As long as your desires are safe and sanity is maintained, and everything that happens is consensual; it’s OK to have such desires. Gone are the days when sadism and masochism were psychopathic conditions. BDSM is only an expression of desires that give you a high, like a heavy workout or intense lovemaking. So, nothing is wrong with you. You happen to like the sensation of physical pain.
Some of it looks painful though. What if I do not want to try all that?
It's absolutely OK to want to try some things and not others. One of the major myths around S/m that really needs to be broken is that it is synonymous or equivalent to D/s. Don't conflate D/s with S/m; they are complementary but different. Many submissives are also sadists, but are not masochists and do not enjoy pain. Quite a few Dominants are masochists when it comes only to the sensation. For these people, pain is only about the pleasure or sensation it brings, not the Dom-space or sub-space. Similarly, even if a Dominant chooses to give pleasure to their partner or to receive pain, it doesn't necessarily make them a submissive.
What are limits? How do we set them?
Limits are about self-awareness, honesty, and complete communication. A Dominant is not a mind reader. The submissive has a vital responsibility to explicitly outline what works and what won't. So the submissive must discuss which techniques or actions make them uncomfortable.
Different people have different limits. The first step to setting limits is introspection. I may imagine that I will enjoy being called names, but when I'm called 'whore’, I may find it demeaning. Yet, there are situations and people around whom this word is not a deal breaker. So comfort with actions and techniques depend on the case, which in turn depends on trust and communication.
Limits are both physical and mental. For example, blindfolds could cause panic attacks in people who have claustrophobia. The key is to talk and share. Start with your 'hard limits'. These are your deal breakers, things you cannot accept, activities or things that trigger intense negativity or physical distress. Keep soft limits as activities you've not tried and are not sure about, but you're open to trying and gauging your reaction to them. The key to safely experimenting is to take it slow, steady and only with a person you trust.
What about consent? Can I stop at any time if I am not enjoying it?
Yes, you can. A core tenet of BDSM is Consent. If you want to try the safest possible way, then SSC or Safe, Sane, Consensual is your key. If you want to try the edgy, more extreme forms of activities, even then, RACK or Risk Aware Consensual Kink is there to ensure that these activities do not violate your consent. So, if you want to stop something, use your safe word and any Dominant worth their salt will stop. If they don't, you need to back away. Like, NOW!
Safe words are your exit mechanism. It could be a single word or a set of words that you can use to signal to your Dominant that an activity or the entire experience is going too far. There's a lot of responsibility that goes into the safe words. Try keeping a word you're unlikely to use in everyday speech. 'NO' and "STOP" are not good safe words. There are moments when we utter no to shake our mind off the pain while still craving for more of it.
'Red' or 'Yellow', however, are sure safe words. Red indicates extreme distress and the need to end the entire session; orange indicates the need to stop that particular activity; yellow indicates that you're uncomfortable and are approaching your limits. Green indicates pleasure, enjoyment or a go-ahead signal. So yes, if you are with a person you trust to respect your consent, you can stop it by using your safe words.
How should I go about planning my first BDSM session with a partner?
Ideally, any session has a few stages - 1) discussion and negotiation, 2) agreement, 3) actual session, 4) aftercare and 5) post-session discussion (analysis). You may want to add BDSM sex toys or fetish wear, but my advice is to keep it simple for your first session! In this article, I walk you through planning your first BDSM session.
A great vid by Vice on India's BDSM scene:
Asmi Uniqus is an active BDSM practitioner and lifestyle coach based in India. She has been a lifestyle submissive for over 10 years now and is very vocal about her lifestyle choices. She believes in self–empowerment through empowerment of others; has a wide experience of writing both poetry and prose around themes of feminism, LGBT, sexuality and erotica. She has also been very active in several real-world BDSM communities and has close connections with a wide spectrum of other practitioners both in India and globally. The speaker is also the author of a series of simplified guides to various aspects of BDSM, which are undergoing the publishing process. She can be reached on Facebook or via email at: asmi.uniqus@gmail.com